I battled with writing about this, because I didn’t want to sound too preachy. I’m no saint and I am by far perfect. But, I guess that’s what makes me eligible to speak on this subject. And, if my journey can help someone else along the way, then I'm happy to share my thoughts. These days it’s easy to post a picture or a quote that talks about how you’re down for God. It’s even easier to see one on someone else’s page and “like” it. The hard part comes in actually WALKING out what we SAY we believe in. As a divorced woman with two children, it’s obvious that I’m not a virgin. It’s easy to get caught up in the notion that not having sex before marriage is old fashioned and no one does that anymore especially if you’ve already crossed that line. I was one of those people who thought: what’s the big deal if you really care about the person? You might marry them, right? But the question for other people who think like that is: what happens when you and that person break up or you just don't have that "it" feeling for them and you get with someone else that you care about?
Anyone that knows me well, knows my stance on not having premarital sex was greatly influenced by Heather and Cornelius Lindsey.
A few years ago,I became very much over the “single” scene. You know, going out or having dinner with different people “just because”. During that time, I (along with my sister) came across Heather’s Twitter and Instagram pages. Her blog, www.heatherllindsey.com, was also very instrumental in my transformed mind. I was immediately drawn to a few things about her, she was young, classy, candid, and fearless about sharing her love for Christ (and her hubby). Not only did she and her husband practice celibacy until they were married, they didn’t even kiss until after they said “I do”. They openly state that it was purely their conviction not to kiss until that point (neither they nor I am saying it is a sin to kiss someone you’re not married to—I’m just stating what they did). Neither of them were virgins prior to marriage, but they had individually decided to discontinue creating “soul ties” with anyone other than their future spouses before they even met each other. Say what? Not only did they hold off on sex AND kissing until their wedding day, but they were YOUNG and practicing this. BAM that was it! I decided just that quick, that I too, would not engage in premarital sex again.
Well…much easier said than done. LOL! I found out that it’s much simpler to say what you won’t do when there’s no temptation to fall under. Aren't you grateful for God's grace? I know I am.
Many people that I’ve had conversations with about this subject ask questions like:
What if you wait for a long time and you get married to someone and don’t like it?
First of all, a good relationship is not built on sexual compatibility. It is built on trust, communication, and PURPOSE. If you get to know someone deeper than what they can provide for you physically, you just might find that the physical intimacy is even better because you can connect with them mind, body, and soul. God created sex, and if He says that it was meant only in the institution of marriage, He knew that people wouldn’t know their sexual chemistry with someone else beforehand.
Don’t you think a man wants to test drive the car before he drives it off the lot? (Ladies, we aren’t a car that needs to be test driven.)
We don't get a chance to go to a realtor or homebuilder and ask if we can move into a house for a few days to see if we like the way it feels to us. We have to sign contracts, have insurance and prove (through credit checks) that we are even eligible to move into the house. And, sometimes, you have to prove these things before you can even look at the house.
When you get a new job, you work for one whole pay period before you get your first check. You can't say you want to reap the benefits of the job before you put in the work. And, don’t forget, benefits typically don’t kick in until you’re there for 90 days.
So, if you have to go through all of those things before you buy a house, get a paycheck, or receive health benefits, don't you think it's important to hold a standard for someone to access your body? Nobody needs to test drive anything.
What if I decide to do that but never find someone willing to commit?
Don't go out “looking” for anyone to commit to it. I believe that God knows our heart and He knows when we diligently seek Him. When you aim to please God and you seek him, He will show up and give you more than you could ask or imagine. I believe that the right man will come along and not only commit, he will be honored to know that his future wife is not freely giving out a portion of herself that she will share with him for the rest of her life.
My point? Be real about your intentions on honoring God. Don't give Him some of your life, but hold off on giving him one piece because you want to cater to your flesh. Giving your body away to someone who has not paid the price (marriage) for it, is selling yourself short. I’m not saying that practicing celibacy will bring about long lasting marriages for people that don’t work at it. Celibacy is just one way of attempting to lay a strong foundation in a Christ-centered relationship. There are other factors in relationships that attribute to it’s success or demise. It’s also important that BOTH people want to honor God in this way. One person desiring to please God and the other just “dealing” with the absence of sex to appease the other person is not going to work. Resentment will set in and someone is bound to get hurt.
Heather and Cornelius aren’t the only couple that honored God with their bodies until marriage and openly speak about it. DeVon Franklin and Megan Good did too.
They even wrote a book entitled “The Wait” explaining the benefits of celibacy.
And, of course, Russell Wilson and Ciara recently broke the Internet with this photo.
Relationships like these help inspire me to continue to follow God's original recipe for intimacy. Maybe one day my future husband and I can also inspire others to allow God to fully write their love story. The journey may not be easy, but it will be worth it.
I see lots of hashtags like #relationshipgoals and #thiscouldbeus on photos of the couples I've used above as examples, but I have to wonder if people are willing to do what these couples have done (or NOT done) to reach that goal. Don't settle or give in to someone for fear of losing them. If someone dismisses you because you won't be physical with them, then they weren't worth your time anyway.
Here's a link to a video that DeVon and Megan did talking about the importance of "The Wait":
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